he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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