I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
