i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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