ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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