Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
