Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
