He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
