Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
