Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
