she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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