community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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