Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize