I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
