so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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