There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
