Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
