So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I enjoy the company of your penis
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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