Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
