I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
