The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
