So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
