then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
