If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
