my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize