Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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