I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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