Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
