Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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