There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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