I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
