youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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