Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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