OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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