new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
