No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
