why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
