I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
