Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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