I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I faked an abortion last night.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
