if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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