Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
