never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
