since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
