I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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