Umm I'm too high to move.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize