Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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