we have officially lost it.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
