I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize