I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
