I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
