im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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