Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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