I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Randomize
