HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
