I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
