Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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