I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize