If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
