my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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